Miles apart yet sharing the same bed

Author: By Jacqueline Brandwynne
Posted: Friday, June 26, 2009

Without a clean emotional slate, love and caring cannot blossom. 
Question: I am feeling paralyzed because I think I am losing my husband. What can I do?
“This is the second marriage for both of us. Hot romance in the beginning, now, ten years later, we avoid retiring at the same time. Frankly, there is so little communication between us; we’re sleeping in the same bed but feel miles apart. We both have been avoiding reality for years. Recently, I found out that my husband was seeing another woman. I felt like falling off a cliff. Filled with fear about losing him that is overwhelming, I feel paralyzed.”

Answer: Faced with the probability of loosing her partner, she recognizes that her love investment in her husband was still deeply meaningful to her. Years of missed communication and repressed feelings can deaden any relationship. Finally partners feel so far apart, they live under the same roof, share the same bed but have become emotional strangers. Can this gulf between them ever be overcome?

A catharsis like the one she is experiencing can provoke a reversal of the relationship. It is, however, a slow and difficult process often easier to achieve with the help of a professional marriage counselor. A turnaround can only happen if both partners are totally committed to rebuilding the relationship. Each must take responsibility for the behavior he or she contributed that caused the erosion of the relationship. Both partners must find the courage to let go of the accumulated anger toward the other and be able to forgive. Without a clean emotional slate, love and caring cannot blossom.

Self evaluation and acceptance of responsibility of one’s own action is step one. Opening up to each other through frequent and caring communication is step two. Accusatory phrases like “you always” have no place in this process. Don’t look to the other to change, seek change in yourself. It is the only way that little by little friendship, trust and even loving can be reestablished. Sexual desire often follows.

Do you have a question for Jacqui? Write us at and we’ll pass it along.

Jacqueline Brandwynne has worked in the health and beauty industry for more than 25 years and is creator of the Very Private line of products. Visit her at

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