Learning to make each other feel loved

Author: Jacqui
Posted: Monday, January 25, 2010


As Valentine approaches some of us look forward with anticipation, while others dread the universally celebrated “day of love.” The desire to be happy or the realization of what is lacking in a relationship can cause enormous pressures as the eventful day comes closer.


The commercial Valentine’s Day “love machine” is in full action. We’re busy buying cards embellished by anonymous love messages. Or we write our own. We give chocolates in heart shaped boxes and spend more money than we should on fancy gifts to express our love. We go through all the expected rituals but how many of us are thinking about the essence of Valentine’s Day?


How many of you are making an effort to improve the love and intimacy in your relationships?  How many are making an effort to give your partner more pleasure as well as strengthening the bond between you? Married or not, no chocolates, or cards, or other material offerings can make this Valentine meaningful if your love and feelings for each other have become dull or have vanished altogether.

Is it a fallacy to think lost love can be recaptured? Not at all!  Can you rekindle love feelings and ignite the pleasure all over again? Can you reset the love button? Most professional therapists agree this can happen if both partners demonstrate a commitment to go through a healing process individually and together.


When the fizzle has gone flat in a relationship it is often due to accumulated grievances that were never aired. Stored anger creates an uneasy distance between partners and puts a damper on emotions until nothing at all is felt.

Negative childhood patterns, resulting from cultural or religious teachings, may inhibit a person from feeling entitled to love. These hidden interferences must be questioned and adjusted. Only by letting go of negative belief systems and accumulated resentments can we become free to have positive feelings about ourselves and our partner.


A transformation may require the help of a professional counselor. The process of renewal starts with asking some really hard questions honestly.

Partners should both ask themselves: What is your role in the loss of love? Are you overly jealous or suspicious? Are you often surly and discontent or too controlling?


Are you unhappy with yourself, and do you look for faults in your partner? Nobody can make you happy if you don’t accept your own self.

Both of you need to take the time to reflect, to admit to yourself where your failings are and work consciously to correct them.

Then comes sharing, the time to talk, to be caring and to be honest. Discuss the actions that make you feel unloved or unwanted. Do not accuse or interrupt. Listen and forgive. Don’t attack the other for what he or she did wrong. That creates resistance. Instead, explain how certain words or actions make you feel sad or belittled and unwanted.


Try to let go of all the negative materials, of all the hurtful thoughts you harbor so you can once again create good feelings for each other. Experience the intimacy that comes from being there for each other. Not just doing together, but being together. This indeed may be the most precious Valentine gift you can offer each other.


E-mail Jacqui your question: contact.veryprivate@gmail.com Visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. ©2007 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.

Categories: Very Private

Tags: Valentine's Day,Couples,Love,Advice

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